When I was a small child, I am
sure that I was a handful. I KNOW I was
a handful. Creative children are always
a challenge. It must have taken great
patience. When I was four, PC Edwards
and I went to kindergarten for one day.
One day. For some reason which I
have never been told neither one of us went back the second day. How does one get kicked out of kindergarten
the first day?
I am writing this sitting next
to Dad’s hospital bed. The sentences
and thought patterns are interrupted by the gargling snore that my dad has when
he sleeps. About every ten minutes I
stop and cover him with the hospital sheet he has kicked off. He is at peace for a while. Then he becomes restless. I am not sure how long this will go on. But it doesn’t matter.
Earlier this evening, I
watched my mom, his wife for over 65 years, feed him what little supper he would
eat. After each bite he would say that
was enough. Then she would load up another
bite and coax him to eat a little bit more. She is
recuperating from the flu and is weak.
But it doesn’t matter for her either.
For all of us who are caring
for our parents in their last years, it is difficult. But while being difficult it also can be a blessing! What does one do? What does one not do?
Do the best you can based on the current
information you have.
Assessing the situation can be
the most difficult thing. This a reason
why you need to have a very good communication relationship with your parent’s
physicians and primary caregivers. You need to be given and understand the best information
available to make the next step. All of
the family members who are involved in the decision need to have the best
information.
When my sister Karen was ill,
we soon learned that getting information second hand was not very
reliable. Karen would be frustrated with
the interpretation that Mom and Dad had given to her doctor visits as
well. Finally she began taking a small
tape recorder with her to her doctor’s visit.
She would then play the tape for us when we would ask. We heard the doctor’s words. This is made easier in today’s world with the
phone technology. You can record easily
what is said. Most doctor’s welcome
this.
Then you make the call and go
forward based on what you know.
Stay in your head and your heart.
It is heartbreaking and a
helpless feeling. There are times when
you can do nothing but be present. In those moments, BE PRESENT! There
are times when you are angry with something or someone in the situation. There are times when you will shake your fist
at God and scream. It is okay. A broken heart has much grief to bear and
share. It is so helpful to make some important decisions BEFORE you find yourself dealing with this.
But also stay in your
head. Remind yourself that people say
things they do not mean. Remind yourself
that your parents are frustrated and helpless too! Remind yourself that life is difficult for
all. Remind yourself that God IS present
even when it does not seem like it. Make rational decisions that you know in your head are right even when your heart aches.
One of the experiences of life
that helps me in this exercise is flying.
The airplane takes off in the wind and rain. Then it begins to climb into the clouds. In the clouds you can see nothing! There is a part of you that fears the
blindness. But the pilot is not
blind. The pilot is flying with
certainty. Finally the airplane makes
its way above the clouds. Above the
clouds the sun IS shining. The skies ARE
blue.
So it is with these difficult
moments of caring for aging parents. God
IS present and there WILL BE an unclouded day.
Do not go it alone.
I do not know how people
without a church family do it. This is
the time when you let the church BE the church.
This is the time when the church steps up. If the church fails during this time of life,
it sucks.
Harsh words, I know. But if the church cannot be present during
this time, it sucks.
Now having said this, you have
to allow the church to be present. This
means you have to call when you need help.
The pastor and church members do not receive a message from the heavens
every morning. You need to be willing
to ask for help. You need to let them
know how you can be helped.
Help may be food. Help may be in the form of sitting. Help may be in the form of transportation. Help comes in many ways. Surely help is prayers! I had a church member once who was willing to
sit with the dying and read scripture.
It was her gift. She would read
scripture for a while and then just sit.
Seldom did she enter into any other conversation. Her presence was the greatest conversation
anyone could have.
If you go it alone when death
does indeed come, you will be alone.
Once one begins to incubate or isolate one’s self, it is habit
forming. It is hard to get out again.
Do not make promises you cannot keep.
“Promise me….” It is hard to not make promises when life
seems so fragile. Making promises you
will not be able to keep is the cornerstone for a huge building of regret and
guilt. You are struggling for words to
say and deeds to do. What is the best
response?
“We will have to see what
happens. I promise I will make the best
decision when the time comes!”
This response is what I
believe to be the most truthful and authentic response. While honoring your parents, it also gives
you the freedom to make good decisions in the days ahead.
Spend time wisely.
The river of regrets flows
through our lives more than we realize. Your
most valuable asset is your time. Spend
it wisely. Spend time remembering. Spend time listening to those stories being
told. Ask questions you never dreamed of
asking. Laugh. Cry. Laugh again. Cry again. Remember more! Concentrate more on being than doing.
The river of regrets can
become a small tributary into the sea of blessings. The sea of blessings never runs dry if you
spend your time wisely.
Honor your father and
mother. It is more than a
commandment. It is a blessing you
receive and give!
